Andrew Drummond

This is a blog only

(All pictures except those of the Red Shirts by Andrew ‘I’m not going there till the first Brit is down’ Chant)
It was not only to save on expensive air-con bills as temperatures soared to 38 degrees in Bangkok last week that I moved my base to the Centara Grand in the centre of Bangkok – but I hope it helped.
I was there to cover the Bangkok conference of the International Parliamentary Union, well not really to cover the conference. 
I’m not really a conference type of person and I’m not exactly sure what influence, if any, resolutions passed by the IPU have on the general scheme of things.

DEATH WATCH

Actually this was a bit like a Royal Tour.  Nothing much happens on these tours; just grand dinners; waving to the proletariat; passing on flowers to the Ladies-in-Waiting.  Most of the time they are just ‘death watches’.   Journalists have to be there just in case something does happen.  So I am on a watching brief or ‘death watch’.

John Austin doing the ' Ouagadougou blues'

Being British of course I was more interested in the British MPs and it so happened that of the five British delegates, three had been made infamous in the ‘ EXPENSES SCANDAL’ which rocked Britain last year, and which still rumbles on.

Would the delegate for Papua New Guinea…….

As the main auditorium was half to three quarters empty most of the time I settled for what seats were available.  There were many and there always seemed to be many many more when the microphone got passed to delegates from Israel. Initially I took the place of the delegate for Papua New Guinea, but when I started attracting a few quizzical looks from some chaps from Indonesia’s Irian Jaya,  I retreated to the seat for the member of the Council of Europe, whom I guessed was less likely to have a bone through his nose or be clasping a shrunken head.

Ougadougou? Its down the corridor and third on the left.

Up to the rostrum stepped British Labour MP John Austin to make his retirement speech: “This is the last Inter Parliamentary Union conference I will be attending,” he told the audience.  I have been to every one since Ouagadougou”.
Ouagadougou as we all know is the capital of Burkina Faso. Look at a map of Africa, left hand down a bit. The conference was held there in 2001 so he has had a good nine year run. In fact since Ouagadougou he has been  to IPU conferences in Geneva five times and also to Marrakech, Santiago, Mexico City, Manila, Nairobi, Bali, Cape Town and Addis Ababa. Well, it beats Estuary View.

Lord Rennard holding his own

What John Austin did not say was that last year he was accused of fiddling his expenses. He claimed more than £10,000 in expenses for the redecoration of his London flat, which was 11 miles from his main home, before selling it for a profit.  He later said he would stand down at the next election.
Of course this is all child’s play compared to what Thai politicians get away with.  Besides he is Labour MP for Thamesmead & Erith where he lives, and as such in my book, coming from there he deserves a handout and a few trips.
 

John Austin MP, Lady Thomas of, err Susan, and advisor

I watched John Austin for a while, and I have to say this chap looked like he was beavering away pretty hard, rushing to and from committee meetings.  Well, I guess he should, as he was the head of the delegation. But anyway top marks to John Austin.
The next time I went back to the conference hall, seated in the British delegation section was Lord Rennard on his own, listening intently and occasionally tapping away on his lap top.  I took my place for Bosnia Herzegovina.
Lord Rennard was criticised in a newspaper last year for charging £41,000 subsistence allowance for his family home in Vauxhall while claiming to live in Eastbourne.  However the Clerk of Parliament Michael Pownall issued a ruling that Rennard’s claims were “in accordance with the rules and guidance on Members’ expenses applicable at the time”.  Hmm. That sounds very Thai.
Well anyway Lib-Dem Peer Lord Rennard was certainly doing his bit in Bangkok and top marks to him too.

“I will always be known as a scandal MP”

Mark Oaten

So what of Lib-Dem MP Mark Oaten.  Oaten was shamed in the ‘MPs Expenses Scandal’ after profiting by £82,000 by selling a flat in London which was furnished, decorated, and maintained at the taxpayers’ expense.  What’s more he was also publicly exposed for hiring a ‘rent boy’*.  In an interview with the Sunday Times, he put it down to a feeling of losing his hair, and his looks, and pressure at work.  But he had determined to put this behind him and his wife had forgiven him.

“I don’t blame anyone but myself for the mess I’m in. I accept that I will always be known as a scandal MP, but, instead of living out the rest of my days in hiding, I’m determined to try to rebuild my life,” he said… Fair enough.

But I could not find him anywhere. Where was he rebuilding his life?  When I called the hotel I was told he had already checked out.  What, with two days left to run?  I spoke to Emma, the secretary for the British delegation, who said he had completed all his business and left. 
‘Where has he gone? Phuket?” 
“I rather do not think so,” she replied sternly.
Minutes later she came back with a fully prepared statement as to what exactly Mark Oaten had been doing.
Ten minutes later I am in the conference call and my phone rings. It’s Mark Oaten, the man himself, from London.
‘What on earth’s going on? Why are you chasing me?  Who are you working for? Who says I’m in Phuket!”

I say I will call back as by now the conference is in full swing, heads are turning,  besides I am now representing Poland, and the cynic in me needed to check that he was calling from the UK.

When I do, sure enough the phone has a UK ring tone, so he is not in ‘Boyz Boyz Boyz’ in Pattaya on taxpayers’ expense.

“Good heavens. I’m not chasing you. I don’t know you from Adam.  But I was puzzled why you left when you did,” I say.

Sandals and no socks - the overriding factor

Three down and two to go.  Next on my list was Lord Alfred Morris of Manchester. I caught up with him in a lift at the Centara Grand. He’s wearing shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, sandals, and yes, no socks.   So he’s ok then. Lovely chap. He’s in his 70s so as far as I am concerned he has earned a few junkets. Besides he has not been involved in any expenses fiddling. 

So finally I turn to Baroness Thomas of  Walliswood, or Susan to her friends the only other person in the delegation not to get embroiled in an expenses row.  Well she has been so busy she has even been elected to the IPU’s Presiding Council.

Well, there you have it.  Some of these ‘junkets’ are not junkets at all. 

Red Shirts brought Bangkok to a standstill. Shome mishtake here Ed?

 At the end of the day I quite like the idea of the world’s politicians meeting together informally anyway and listening to what their opposite numbers really think. In fact they should regularly get totally smashed together,  though personally I do not think I would have liked to do have done this  ’death watch’ in Burkina Faso.

These conferences are full of lots of stories about awful things happening in another countries, in the old days a journalist’s dream. but now, of course now its  more difficult to find an editor who cares.
One day after the conference ended, those champions of democracy the UDD Red Shirts moved into the Rajaprasong junction.  But delegates had been locked up for most of the week anyway by the appalling traffic.
The British delegation attempted to go out on Thursday night, but they abandoned their attempt after travelling less than 200 yards in 40 minutes in a yellow and green taxi, while I was in an Irish pub a mile and a half away.

Exposed MP’s secret rendez-vous with Thai dancers

Sources awfully close to Wireless Road suggest that some did use the skytrain to make outside appointments and I can confirm that John Austin made a break for freedom with his partner Sylvia Kelcher in tow and got as far as Ramkhamheang Soi 164, which is almost in the country near Minburi.

Tara Garden - John Austin's secret rendez-vous before the tables were cleared for the foxtrot

However my spies say he got no further than the Tara Gardens where they both enjoyed an evening of karaoke and ballroom dancing topped off with a few red wines. 

The only freebie was on the Friday when delegates were offered an unimaginative  trip to the Damnoen Saduak floating market and Samphran elephant show out near Nakon Pathom.

Lord Rennard liked the crocodile show

The only Brit brave enough to sweat this trip out was Lord Rennard, who was effusive when we spoke, despite having to get up at the crack of dawn. 

He seemed to be enjoying himself.  (I was wishing I was almost anywhere else than at a crocodile and elephants-playing-football theme park. I needed one of the fan Punkah Wallahs from ‘It ain’t half hot mum, who, some of us know,  were later replaced by electric fannies). 

Lord Rennard  liked the crocodile show especially. 

“It’s often not what goes on in the main conference room that is most interesting,”  he said,  keeping a remarkable composure as the announcer boomed: 

 ‘T-lick nummer four.  Somchai put arm down fwoat of clocodye!’

“You have to see what goes on in the committee rooms as well, much more interesting. The other thing is that we get to speak to and hear things from politicians from other countries that we have never heard before”.

“T-lick nummer fye. Somsak put head in mow of clocodye!”

“For instance I had long talks with the Afghanistani and Argentinean MPs.  Absolutely fascinating. It enables us to build up a picture which you would not get elsewhere,” continued Lord Rennard. There is no interupting him.

“We are of course concerned about the loss of human life in Afghanistan.  They are concerned about corruption and how, they believe, Britain is dealing with the wrong people there.”

Then came the elephant show where the commentary (recorded) sounded like it had been done by an Old Etonian.

Anyway I had to agree with Lord Rennard.

But I can’t see  John Austin, Mark Oaten, or Lord Rennard himself , passing on their newly found wisdom to the British taxpayer.  They have all announced they are resigning.

And when I read this in Monday’s Daily Mail for a moment I thought I had gone soft.

“MPs who were caught fiddling their expenses will be among those receiving a share of £153million in golden goodbyes when they stand down from Parliament at the general election.”

*Rent boy. Male prostitute

Jimmy Edwards in 'Whacko' - see comments belowBilly Bunter - see comments below

Billy Bunter - see comments below