Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Wednesday, January 15, 2014
I have lifted the followed in its entirety from Chiang Mai City News. I don't know why, but I just loved it. I do not necessarily agree with it all. I am afraid there are a few four letter words in it and the author may not totally have caught the demographic of a foreign red shirt supporter - apart from those up country.

But it had me laughing watching as I do all the experts sounding off on the social media.

It was posted to City News I guess after my old friend James wrote verbose tome on the current political situation. ENJOY and if the real author objects, please contact me. I have added a category on the end.

so F&#@ing Bored of your Political Prattle

Jan 14, 2014
It’s coup time again in Thailand, a time when foreign political experts come creeping out of the woodwork with their nailed on, matter-of-fact, incontestable political opinions that have been formed over ten plus dull years reading mostly either one of two propagandist newspapers.  

 Jesus said to his disciples, "stick to what you're good at"

While the odd tourist – the kind that gets done over by wandering Indian fortune tellers – gets caught up in rallies and subjected to wearing colour-coded uniforms, it’s mostly expats that are to blame for pretending either a) to care or b) to know something valuable. 
What the placard holding foreigner (about as conceivable as an Alsatian smoking a cigarette) doesn’t know is that the struggle is intractable (do you really think equality is possible in a country where you can get away with murder for cold hard cash?). 
And what’s mildly frustrating is the fact that these passionate souls talk about reform and progress in a country they’ve come to milk, and one that they’d immediately leave in flames if things got really bad. Yes, they’d be on a plane drinking Vodka miniatures while watching SkyPlus before you could say not another fucking massacre. 
 It’s having to listen to people’s opinions that is the worst part, it’s worse than the actual protests which, to be honest, are far less offensive than online arrogance. 
To save us all time, and in view of the harm caused by our mutual differences, I’ve come up with a device called the Thai Political Personality Types. Each ones comes with an easy to remember abbreviation. 
This should save us all lots of time disagreeing endlessly online. We take a trait and stick with it, for example I’m a WANKER, and that’s that, end of discussion. Now we can watch Bangkok burn. 
 Choose your Types:

The Merciless Arrogant Democrat (MADs) 
 MADs despise Thaksin politics and refuse to see any benefit from this side of the political divide. They can’t seem to grasp that even though populism might be self-serving, there’s a reason it’s popular. Some of them are of course closet SODs, and they just fear personal loss. 
Others are educated, but can’t see through a fairytale future with ‘good’ people ruling Thailand. In fact, in the vein of conspiracy theorists, some of them actually believe Thaksin to be a part of a western round table coalition that is intent on taking over the world. Thaksin is fundamentally evil, and no matter what his sister does it will be a part of this evil. There’s nothing more to say, this shit is biblical, and that man with squinty eyes is the devil incarnate. 
He will drag Thailand to hell. Suthep, on the other hand, might have a history of violence, but, well, er, hmm…he’s better than fucking Thaksin, OK!@!!

The Supercilious Opportunist Democrat (SODs)
 SODs harbour a modicum of respect for Thaksinomics, they just wish they had gotten there first. They can’t stand the fact that those lo-so scrubbers might be getting something out of life other than a free potato digging trowel with every truck they will be paying off until they die in huge debt that might or might not be paid by a drug addicted son who also dreams of a truck. 
Their main fear is that their entitled comfort and even the weak veneer of their bought and paid for education might be under threat as there obviously isn’t enough fois gras to go around in Thailand… and anyway, if people were equal then who the fuck would they have to look down on? Of course they’d never say this is public, they probably support Oxfam and send money to the Mandela appeal.

Dysfunctional Irate Cheerleaders (DICs)
 DICs are mostly old men that got married to young women and moved out to the country to die while relatives like swarms of locust crowd the new cash crop. 
They speak some Thai and probably work in schools that will employ them until they die of a heart attack brought on by a diet of beer Chang and Lays. 
They can see no wrong in Yingluck or the Democrats, and occasionally wear red or yellow shirts and stand around at protest sites. 
Who they support is largely a consequence of who their hired wife tells them to support, or where they’ve ended up living. 
They are too old to be properly critical and so relieve themselves with being only cynical, and so unwisely they become martyrs to the cause.  
They’re nearly always from England or Australia, and they are never happy out there in the country or Bangkok soi 165, alienated in their little town where much of their time is spent watching British soaps on UKTV or writing nasty things on Thavisa. 
Life has proved one thing for these people: it doesn’t matter where they go, no one will like them. That must suck. One thing they are sure about though, in spite of never reading anything bigger than a Flight of the Gibbon pamphlet, is that they are right.

The Tedious when around Teashops (TWATs) 
 These educated people, TWATs, have read a lot about Thai politics. In fact they are fluent in Thai language, culture, politics, history, mythology, religions. 
It’s a pity then that they’ve never actually spent much time with a Thai person. Most of them support democracy but not Thaksin, nor do they much like that scoundrel Suthep. The only problem with them is they talk about narrative shifts and demystification a little too vaguely, which is good for no no one but themselves. 
They are actually of little practical use. They’ve never really enjoyed the countryside, it stinks and all that drinking is rather abject. They are, nonetheless, very clever. 
They talk about Marx as if he were a tap you could turn on. They often talk about hidden hands and might even mention something about anti-Communist fervor in the 60/70s and how it affected the teashops they like to frequent. These people are all talk, and are loathe to admit that they are in Thailand because they think the women, or men, are hot.

Tourists in Town (TITs)
 TITs can’t really be blamed for knowing nothing at all about politics. TITs think Suthep is a road with a famous temple on it and some dodgy Chinese restaurants, and that a Shinawatra is some kind of sandwich you can get when you’re doing the Middle East. 
These people might ask you at any given point in the conversation what the Thai political crisis is all about, which might be an annoying question if you’re a TWAT, but if you are any of the previous types you shouldn’t have a problem simplifying the utterly complex and baking it in your own biased rhetoric. 
Tits should be avoided if you’re not keen on drinking from buckets or fighting over a soi dog. The consolation is that TITs will always be gone soon enough. If they stay then they will quickly mutate into another type. 

Writers are Never Kidding except Reviling Suthep (WANKERs)

 WANKERS are mainly journalists working in Thailand because the weather is nice. They seem to know a lot about Thailand and Thai politics, sometimes they like to make you feel they know something that they can’t tell you but will tell you anyway after a beer. 
They frequently quote Andrew McGregor Marshal and Thongchai whatshisname, and regularly get together on Facebook for long masturbatory exercises in agreeing with each other. Many of them are one step away from alcoholism having had to read about all the horror that takes place in a country where justice is just a word and the police make Jason from Friday the 13th seem amicable. 
They are mostly a self-indulgent lot that like the fact they know more than everyone else – they look down on anyone that supports any side, and always say they are in the middle somewhere, although it’s obvious they pretty much hold Yingluck in their tainted hearts. 
Why? Because they have this thing about the elite, they hate the elite, they are elitist where the elites are concerned…unless of course they are called Michael Yon, then it’s likely they are being paid to write the elite. WANKERs are probably too sensitive to be in Thailand and should probably get out before they put a bullet in their over-burdened brains. They are very serious when they write about the conflict, but like nothing more than to post a doctored face of Suthep with a Hitler moustache.

Cool Underneath Nasty Trickery (CUNTs) 
 These people known as CUNTs tend to be very hard to locate. One minute they are screaming for Yingluck to be kicked out of Thailand, and the next minute they are talking about exposing the corruption of the old elite hierarchy. 
CUNTs are leeches, chameleonic leeches, and they somehow manage to stay in the country for many years having never really worked and remaining undetected. CUNTs pretend to care, and they are excellent at what they do. 
They know how to butter up SODs and DICs, and are equally, if not psychopathically, good at spinning big words around with TWATS. These people are more common than you realize, you just don’t know it. CUNTs can be found in every bar and restaurant, every gym, editorial office, school classroom, and every expat meeting… and even protest march. 
They couldn’t give a shit if Bangkok shuts down, because they will take advantage of it, if it means writing a story or selling someone a t-shirt with a burning mall on the front. One mistake many people make is to think CUNTs are harmless…well, think again, next time you’re reading about ‘conflict’ in your reliable news source, or watching some ‘expert’ wax neutral on TV, remember he might just be a CUNT.

 The People’s Liberation Organisation Disenfranchised Defenders of Suffrage (PLODDS)

These guys and girls may have been on a British ‘Fly on the Wall’ documentary called, ‘Where does your food come from?’. They have seen chickens slaughtered at CP factories, tried to make a prawn farm, and have gone to work in the paddy fields of Isaan with people they regard as the salt of the earth. 
While in the paddy fields – to drive the message home as to how people live – they are paid just 70 baht a day for their labour and are expected to pay out of that, their food and accommodation. 
The locals of course have seen them coming. The farmer does not pay some of them anything at all, because their work is not up to scratch and he says they have done more harm than good. 
And the locals are charging them five times the rate for a room above a pigsty and food prices for them have gone through the roof – so ten of them have to share a packet of dried seaweed for dinner.  
This causes several of the women among them to burst into tears at the lot of people in the Third World the most attractive of which gets a BBC documentary programme all to herself  and can be seeing crying all around the world. 
The men return as revolutionaries as in the Tooting Popular Front and they put on head bands carry batons and shout thing’s like: ‘We are going to burn down Central World and loot the lot. Death to the fascists”. 
The Scots ones shout ‘Freedom!’
 Many go on to marry farmers' daughters who not only manage to drain their bank accounts but also the accounts of their middle class parents back home.
Now, which one are you?


mimi said...

Very clever, but may I please present my version – the Expat Forum Poster Personality Type.

The Aggressive Poster (APs)

Convinced he/she was a cutting-edge journalist in a previous life, this type endlessly trawls the news, forum posts and local gossip channels in order to form his/her red-hot opinion based on others’, rather than searching for gems of truth and objectivity in the chaos. Political realities don’t matter, as it’s his/her ego that’s on display, and bad language comes as standard, as do stock phrases involving verbal abuse.

The Sad Old Drunk Poster (SODs)

Unable to see beyond the bottom of the current bottle or can, SODs invariably misunderstand the development of a forum thread, especially when it concerns politics, and are often booted off for making irrelevant or offensive comments. Back in the day, common sense was present, but it got lost between the 7/11 and the local lao kao outlet some years ago.

The Wannabees and Tiresome Posters (TWATs)

TWATs often use forums as a means to demonstrate their superiority by posting swathes of nonsense replies in order to be promoted to Senior Members or whatever. This tendency demonstrates their insecurity amongst their online community, as less is more when it comes to forum posts. They’ve never heard of the old saying ‘If you’ve nothing good to say – say nothing’ – or believe it doesn’t apply to them.

Weird, Anti-everything, Nonchalant, Know-nothing Expat Revolutionary Posters (WANKERs)

With their thought processes based on the brief, long-ago Flower Power days, WANKERs can’t believe that any politician anywhere on the planet is acting in a less than altruistic manner. They express concern and sympathy for the downtrodden masses before heading off to their favourite hi-so eatery for a slap-up, poor value fusion meal.

Conformed Underdogs with Nothing to Tell (CUNTs)

This sad little group of posters toe the line using words like ‘guest’ and phrases such as ‘if you don’t like it ,leave’, without even considering that many, perhaps even the majority, of their readers will get a brief attack of high blood pressure as a result as this is the 93rd time they’ve read the same rubbish from the same poster. Some people never learn that sycophantic behavior fails in the long run.

mattowensrees said...

I rather prefer Mimi's categorisation. I can think of many names on the Thai forums and blogs that fit into on or more of the categories. I have blogged a piece on the difficulties foreigners have in getting good information in Thailand (AD has a copy) and with permission, Mimi, I would like to include your humourous (but accurate in places) classification of APs, SODs, TWATs, WANKERs, and CUNTs

Born2Serf said...

Well, what do you expect from Chiang-mai expats? They're all uneducated simpletons who play golf at the same golf course as the Shinawatras.

mimi said...

Sure you have my permission - have fun!

mimi said...

Generalizations may have been the object of the original poster, but here in CM we're as diverse as anywhere in the USA or UK, and most of see the game of golf for what it is - an excuse for wannabee hi-sos to upgrade their sad, consumer-focused lives by calling it 'exercise'.

Would you possibly be one ? Where were you educated?

mimi said...

sure - use it - glad you liked it!

Born2Serf said...

What, you mean a GOLFER?
No! More of a GOPHER really! GRUMPY OLD PRAT heartily enjoying REACTION.
A knowotiamnot uneducated lo-so simpleton trying to cheer up his sad survival-focused life by making glib generalizations about diverse Changmanians.

But how would you define yourself, Mimi? No one should get out of this thread alive without categorizing themselves. What's good for the GOPHER is also good for the ******.

mimi said...

Good point, Born2Serf - I'll have to think about that - how many of us know exactly what we are???

I'll get back to you after I've done the housework!

mimi said...

OK, Born2Serf - here you go! I'm as follows...

Females Undergoing Chaotic Karma (FUCKs)

These posters are (obviously) women who have led ‘interesting’ lives along the lines of the Chinese curse ‘may you live in interesting times’ and have fled to Asia in search of answers to as yet unknown questions. Their comments are often based on (hopefully) objective views of humanity in general, although this often requires considerable self-restraint, known to be good for the soul but appalling for the stress levels.

The Weapon said...

Don't forget the BOSS's. The bags of slimy shit written about on this forum. The type of vermin like Goldie, Noyes and Hanks. The type person that would sell a blind man a rat's arsehole and tell him it was a diamond ring.

The Weapon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrew Drummond said...

I know this may be an old fashioned concept Mimi but will you marry me. I don't want this to stop.

mimi said...

Love to, Andrew - you're my STAR - please see below:

Sexy Tantalizing Awesome Reporters

These posters really were cutting edge journalists in a previous life, leading to their reincarnations as the modern-day Thailand-based equivalents of Zorro, although his legendary steed morphed into a buffalo along the way. They fight the ungodly, woo fair maidens and attempt to rescue their people from the scammers and fraudsters inhabiting their world. However, unlike Zorro, they don’t have a massive castle and can’t buy their wives magnificent jewels, as 21st century Thai lawyers cost far more than their counterparts in 19th century Mexico.

Andrew Drummond said...

Wow. I was on my way on one of my very rare visits to the Foreign Correspondents Club of Thailand last night to see our journos talk about the current crisis in their role in it when I read this. Instead of getting the Skytrain for the last leg I instead veered off into a a pub called the Overground and had a very funny chat with a charming black American about the birth of Fox TV which when I was with it on 'The Reporters' and 'A Current Affair' was anti establishment but which is now the ugly face of the establishment. Yes you are right - my steed has morphed into a buffalo and perhaps more Don Quixote than Zorro. I was going to call the book 'Tilting at Windmills'

Andrew Drummond said...

But what I mean to say was I was floating on air and today I may go down to the Thieves Market to look for the ring.